Last night we had some friends over to hate-watch horror movies. Initially I didn't realize we here hate-watching, (maybe no one else noticed at all; maybe I was the only hater present?) but about 45 minutes into Prom Night it dawned on me that this is what we'd been doing all night. We'd already made it through one awful movie (Rogue River) commentating on almost every scene...hell, maybe every frame. It was so bad. No lie. Never watch this movie. Hold on...the DVD case is sitting on my living room floor right now, I can see it sitting there and I want to destroy it! It's tempting me to destroy it. I'm going to destroy it...
Graham walks away from the laptop, strolls over in front of the TV, picks up the DVD case ignoring the indignant glare from Kim (who only wants to watch Smash damn it!) looks at the abomination he's holding in his hands (with the same look you give feral cats); he opens the case and removes the DVD carefully... then, after 5 minutes of uncontrolled smashing...
Graham walks away from the laptop, strolls over in front of the TV, picks up the DVD case ignoring the indignant glare from Kim (who only wants to watch Smash damn it!) looks at the abomination he's holding in his hands (with the same look you give feral cats); he opens the case and removes the DVD carefully... then, after 5 minutes of uncontrolled smashing...
We're back. That was an ordeal. I owe you £3.00 Heather.
I don't want to waste anymore time talking about Rogue River. It was a bad movie that was amazingly fun to make fun of. That's that.
We also watched Prom Night (1980). The original; they did a remake a few years ago that was completely different and infinitely more enjoyable. I'm going to do a quick run through of what I can remember for my own amusement.
Prom Night opens with panoramic shots of an old, abandoned school building. Some badly dressed '70's kids pull up on bikes and run inside.
The little bitch whose the leader of this group decides to play Killer which I'm assuming is a morbid version of hide'n'seek; instead of getting caught you get killed, then you become a killer. In this game your Freddy Kruger.
Prom Night opens with panoramic shots of an old, abandoned school building. Some badly dressed '70's kids pull up on bikes and run inside.
The little bitch whose the leader of this group decides to play Killer which I'm assuming is a morbid version of hide'n'seek; instead of getting caught you get killed, then you become a killer. In this game your Freddy Kruger.
Some more badly dressed children show up outside the building. They really need to erect a fence around this bitch. It might save lives. And yes, I did just use the word erect. Ha. Two of the kids are wearing matching turtleneck's. Wow.
Cut scenes of little kids running around a dangerously old building. A door that's not on hinges falls when one kid runs through it. This is why America will never regain global dominance. Two of the three new kids leave including turtleneck boy. His sister stays.
She goes inside, she finds a little boy with a perm, he glares at her; when he realizes he's about to get caught he snitches and turns on her. If this was the joint homeboy would be getting sliced, yo.
The killers chase her, they corner her but wont stop shouting "Kill, Kill, KILL, KILL!" in her face. She falls backwards out a window. She's dead. The four kids in the building watch, then have a conversation. The dialogue goes like this:
Kid 1: She's dead. We need to go home.
Kid 2: Yeah, we need to go home.
Leader Bitch: "This didn't happen! We need to go home"
Kid 4: "See you all in Math tomorrow"
She goes inside, she finds a little boy with a perm, he glares at her; when he realizes he's about to get caught he snitches and turns on her. If this was the joint homeboy would be getting sliced, yo.
The killers chase her, they corner her but wont stop shouting "Kill, Kill, KILL, KILL!" in her face. She falls backwards out a window. She's dead. The four kids in the building watch, then have a conversation. The dialogue goes like this:
Kid 1: She's dead. We need to go home.
Kid 2: Yeah, we need to go home.
Leader Bitch: "This didn't happen! We need to go home"
Kid 4: "See you all in Math tomorrow"
They all get on bikes with huge wheels and flee the scene. Over the dead girls body we see a shadow fall; someone was watching. Someone saw. OH. MY. HELL. This won't end well...
Fast forward 6 years; Some pervert with a perm is making prank phone calls while scribbling names in a notepad. He makes obscene calls in a creepy voice. He's rocking back and forward and tapping the page like he's Keith Moon. He's excited. Was this ever a popular thing to do? In Scotland we go to McDonald's...I think the shadow with the perm making the phone calls is the same person who saw the little girl in the hideous turtleneck die...uh oh!
There's a lot of pointless plot details. The little girl who died had a sister. She's Jamie Lee Curtis. The little bitch from the start hates her for some reason, even though she killed Jamie's sister! The brother who was once the one in the matching turtleneck is now somehow a ninja. Oh, and Jamie Lee is dating the guy who was the little boy who bitched out and snitched on her dead sister...THIS KID HAS SOME SET OF BALLS ON HIM!!!
Fast forward 6 years; Some pervert with a perm is making prank phone calls while scribbling names in a notepad. He makes obscene calls in a creepy voice. He's rocking back and forward and tapping the page like he's Keith Moon. He's excited. Was this ever a popular thing to do? In Scotland we go to McDonald's...I think the shadow with the perm making the phone calls is the same person who saw the little girl in the hideous turtleneck die...uh oh!
There's a lot of pointless plot details. The little girl who died had a sister. She's Jamie Lee Curtis. The little bitch from the start hates her for some reason, even though she killed Jamie's sister! The brother who was once the one in the matching turtleneck is now somehow a ninja. Oh, and Jamie Lee is dating the guy who was the little boy who bitched out and snitched on her dead sister...THIS KID HAS SOME SET OF BALLS ON HIM!!!
There's also some guy who's got a mono-brow and he's wearing a medallion! He moonlights for the mob! He's Donnie Brasco.
Anyway after 59 or so minutes of useless plot lines and should-I-shouldn't-I's regarding virginity finally someone dies. The killer is someone who wears black pointy toed boots, black bell bottom jeans, a brown belt (because he's supa-fly) a black turtleneck (again with the damn turtlenecks!) and a balaclava. He stalks his victims while simultaneously pimp-strolling to disco music. Why disco music? Because he's decided to go on his killing spree during the graduation disco! Not the Prom; a disco! A proper Saturday Night Fever disco! With a glowing dance floor and everything! This movie is too awesome!
Balaclava boy prances! He kills one of the girls who killed turtleneck girl by stabbing her in the throat with a shard of glass (impractical weapon). While he does this he sorta pirouettes and stabs, going down and up, down and up. He looks like a ballerina using a plunger on a super clogged toilet. He is not an effective bad guy.
I can't bear to describe this anymore, turns out it was the dead girls brother. Oh, and he's obviously Jamie Lee Curtis' brother too. She cold clocks him with an ax, kills him. Why was she the main character in this movie? She was never in danger! If your the main character in a horror movie, shouldn't your life be threatened at least once? Yeah. Thought so. Screw you Jamie Lee.
I'm so glad I had friends with me to watch this awful movie...otherwise I might have missed out on something totally memorable that's totally memorable for all the wrong reasons.
I'm so glad I had friends with me to watch this awful movie...otherwise I might have missed out on something totally memorable that's totally memorable for all the wrong reasons.
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